Ah, that Christmas Spirit
by Kit Thespian
Summary: What happens when Kit Thespian, notorious for musical craziness, decides to put together a FF7 Caroling Choir? Carol Parodies and Insane Pairings and Love Triangles ensue. What WAS I thinking...?


**Disclaimer**: Kit Thespian does not own Final Fantasy VII or the characters therein; she does not own the Christmas Carols in the fic either.

Love Triangles (favored choices are underlined; "either ways" are not):

1) Yuffie/Sephiroth/Aerith

2) Cloud/Aerith/Sephiroth

3) Tifa/Cloud/Aerith

4) Vincent/Yuffie/Sephiroth

5) Tseng/Elena/Rude

6) Tseng/Aerith/Cloud

There are also Cid/Shera and Hojo/Lucrecia pairings.

Author's Note: I, the author, am narrating the story. Here's the lowdown on choir voicing:

Bass/Baritone: Low male voices  
Tenor: High male voices  
Alto: Low female voices  
Soprano: High female voices

**Here We Go A-Caroling**

**By Kit Thespian**

One day, the idea of forming a Christmas caroling choir in Icicle Inn took hold of me and would not let go. I became a slave to the idea, having no rest until it was fulfilled. So what did I do? Well, being a fan fiction author in the FF7 category gives a certain amount of power with the characters. A goodly portion of them were immediately recruited into the choir. Of course I met with a few problems from the first rehearsal.

Firstly, I had to explain to them what exactly Christmas _was_. Then I had to determine everyone's vocal ranges. Fortunately for me, Tifa plays the piano. And unfortunately as well, because I lost a real nice soprano voice for the rehearsal period. Then, of course, once the ranges were determined and everyone stood in their special places, the real problems began.

It went without saying that the bass and baritone section would be trouble. It consisted of Sephiroth, Hojo, Vincent, Rufus, Barret, and Rude. Rude was shy about singing and Rufus was the only one who could actually read the sheet music. Barret gave me the least trouble. He thought the caroling was fun and the others needed to lighten up.

And for those who think that Sephiroth, Hojo, and Vincent Valentine are calm, cool, and collected 24/7…get them in a choir together.

"For the last time, Valentine," Hojo seethed at one rehearsal, "Get your bangs _out of my face_!"

"You and Sephiroth have bangs no less crazy than mine!" Vincent snapped.

"Hey!" Sephiroth sneered.

Hojo answered, "My and Sephiroth's bangs at least stay within a certain radius of our faces that does not get in other people's eyes. Have you ever heard of a comb? They are quite splendid devices…"

"I _own_ a comb, thank you very much!"

"I'll bet it gets lonely up there, collecting dust on the very top bathroom shelf, right next to the deodorant…"

"_I use deodorant_!"

Meanwhile, the tenor section presented different sorts of problems. The tenors were Cloud, Cid, Reno, Red XIII, Reeve, and Tseng. Cid had been very perturbed about being a tenor; apparently he's got this "thing" where he thinks that being a tenor is unmanly. I assured him that he was only a _second_ tenor. Except for Cid, the members of the tenor section are a lot more laid back than the basses and baritones. So, it was harder to get them to put forth the extra effort. There was more than one instance where I had to snap my fingers to get their attention on the sheet music. And only Red XIII and Tseng could read sheet music, ironically.

The alto section was Aerith, Shera, Scarlet, and Elmyra. Despite Scarlet's usual antics, these gave me no trouble and they could all read sheet music. This is a very good thing because alto parts are usually the most complicated. Scarlet actually behaved more nicely after I imposed a dress code on the choir and she actually wore something concealing instead of revealing.

The soprano section was a little rowdy, with Yuffie and Elena. Lucrecia was in the section as well, but her efforts to placate the other two were fruitless. It was not as if Yuffie and Elena couldn't stand each other. When not on the job, Elena could be talkative. She and Yuffie had a lot of fun things to say together. This is not good for concentration during rehearsals. Since we wouldn't have a piano for the actual caroling, Tifa would join her section then.

Then the fateful day came when the choir would sing at Icicle Inn. Marlene came along as my helper. I was the conductor, you see. If you have ever sung in a choir or played in an orchestra, you'll notice that the conductors will usually have a slight air of arrogance. This is because they think they do most of the work.

The fact is, they do; especially when working with video game characters, which is a situation that I don't think any other conductor has had to deal with before me. But it's very good cardio exercise.

We got in our places and I pulled my pitch pipe out. Everybody was bundled up and ready to sing. Marlene was standing beside me in case any of us needed anything. Really, I had nothing for her to do, but she had wanted to come and watch, so I coined her my "helper." After leading warm-ups, I raised a hand.

"All right, everyone, we'll start with 'Carol of the Bells'."

I played the starting note on my pitch pipe and vocalized, "Hark, how the bells…"

"Miss Thespian?" Rude raised his hand.

"…Yes, Rude?" I replied.

"I've been wanting to ask this… In this song, we sing 'gaily they ring.' When we sing 'gaily', does that mean…?"

"Oh, no, no, no! When this song was written, 'gay' meant happy. It has no correlation with…" I gave a sidelong glance to Marlene, "…preferences."

"Oh, okay," Rude said.

"Anymore questions?" I addressed the choir.

"Yes," Hojo growled, indicating Vincent, "the _next_ time we do this, could we require a certain limit on hair radius?"

I rolled my eyes, "Rufus, do you mind Vincent's hair?"

"No, ma'am," Rufus answered. Usually, the President of Shinra Inc. wouldn't call anyone "Sir" or "Ma'am", but since I had the power to make him dance in pink tutus, he showed me respect.

"Rude," I asked, "Would you mind Vincent's hair?"

"Er…no."

"Good. Vincent, stand between Rufus and Rude." I should've done this the first time Hojo complained about the hair, but ah well.

"Any _more_ questions?" I asked after Vincent switched places with Rufus.

"Do we _have_ to do the "Bohm" at the end of the song?" Sephiroth grumbled, in reference to the bass/baritone final note.

I thought to myself, why oh why was I cursed with such a prima donna bass/baritone section? I gritted my teeth before answering, "Yes, Sephiroth, for the last time, we're doing the 'Bohm.' You're actually like a big bell, and it sounds really good when you all do it."

"I feel like a moron."

"Well, you don't sound like one. Say, all of you like bombs and things, right?"

The bass/baritone section nodded and shrugged.

"Think about dropping bombs on somebody when you do that. Think of a certain individual and visualize a bomb dropping on them. When doing this, give the 'Bohm' all you've got. Okay?"

They all, Rude and Barret included, grinned and nodded.

"Now," I sighed, "Are there anymore questions before we start? And no questions from the bass/baritone section. You have officially run out of questions."

"I have a question," Yuffie raised her hand.

"Yes, Yuffie?"

"Are we still getting hot cocoa after we're done, like you promised?"

"Yes, we're getting hot cocoa. Now, if there are no further questions…"

No one spoke up. I sighed with relief and said, "Let's do this again," I blew a note on the pitch pipe, "Hark, how the bells…"

The sopranos started,

_Hark, how the bells.  
__Sweet silver bells  
__All seem to say  
__Throw cares away._

The altos joined them,

_S: Christmas is here  
Bringing good cheer  
To young and old  
Meek and the bold  
A: Ding dong, etc. _

_S: Ding dong ding dong  
__that is their song  
from everywhere  
filling the air__  
__A: Ding dong, etc._

Finally, all four voices,

_One seems to hear  
__Words of good cheer  
__From everywhere  
__Filling the air._

_S, A, B: Oh, how they pound  
__Raising the sound  
__O'er hill and dale  
__Telling the tale  
__T: (really high notes) Oh…_

_All: Gaily they ring  
__While people sing  
__Songs of good cheer  
__Christmas is here._

_S: Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas  
__A, T, B: Ding dong_

_S: Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas  
__A, T, B: Ding dong_

_S: On, on they send  
__On, without end  
__Bringing their tone  
__To every home  
__A, T, B: Ding dong, etc._

It seemed to be going well so far; no missed a single cue. I tried not to be distracted with Barret's rhythmic swaying back and forth while his section sang "ding, dong". I just prayed he wouldn't bump into Sephiroth. Cid did a good job of making himself look as small as possible and hoping no one would notice that he was singing high notes. We had some spectators stopping and watching the caroling. I was glad to have something of an audience. I made sure to check on the whole choir's status, but I watched the bass/baritone section the most. All that ego in one section was frightening.

Finally, we got to the end of that song.

_S, A: Ding…dong, ding…Dong…_

And I motioned to the bass/baritones.

They obeyed, "_Bohm…_" Some of them (they shall remain nameless) looked a little too happy about it. I hope to goodness they weren't thinking about me.

The audience clapped. Some of the choir members had been so wrapped up in their singing that they hadn't noticed the little crowd of people and they blushed a little, though Sephiroth would swear to me that cold weather made his cheeks turn red. And I wasn't willing to argue with him.

The next song on the list was "O Christmas Tree," except I taught my choir the German version, "O Tannenbaum." I did not know at the time the vast conspiracy amongst the characters in payment to me for making them carolers. I sounded the pitch on my pitch pipe, and raised my baton.

"_Oh, tanning balm. Oh, tanning balm.  
__You make my skin much better.  
__Oh, tanning balm. Oh, tanning balm.  
__You make my skin much better._

_It's gross to see my skin so white.  
__I use you morning, noon, and night._

_Oh, tanning balm. Oh, tanning balm.  
__You make my skin much better."_

There was nothing I could do but continue conducting, despite my horror. I secretly swore that someone would pay for this. I began searching for the smuggest one of the group.

"_Oh, tanning balm. Oh, tanning balm.  
__You're great, but you're so pricey.  
__Oh, tanning balm. Oh, tanning balm.  
__You're great, but you're so pricey._

_In Midgar, you're ten bucks a pop.  
__But I need you, so I won't stop._

_Oh, tanning balm. Oh, tanning balm.  
__You're great, but you're so pricey."_

If it weren't more the applause we received after I signaled the end of the song, I would have shoved my baton down their throats. Instead, I turned to the audience, pasted a grin on my face, and bowed. For the record, I could name several people in the choir who could have really used some "tanning balm." But all of the carolers did a magnificent job of keeping straight, professional faces through it all and I could not distinguish the ringleader of this catastrophe. One day I tracked down who had bought tanning lotion for ten bucks a bottle that year. Oh, yes, Hojo paid dearly that day, made to sing and dance to musical numbers from "Oliver!" and "Rent."

Getting back to the caroling, the next song on the list was "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

"_Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer  
__Had a very shiny nose…_"

Yuffie shouted, "_Like Materia!_"

"_And if you ever saw it  
__You would even say it glows_…"

Sephiroth shouted, "_Like Cloud's shampoo!_"

"_All of the other reindeer  
__Use to laugh and call him names…_"

Cloud shouted, sidelong glancing Sephiroth, "_Like Momma's boy_!"

"_They never let poor Rudolph  
__Join in any reindeer games."_

Sephiroth shouted, "_Like 'Kill the Cloud'_!"

"_Then one foggy Christmas Eve  
__Santa came to say,  
_"_Rudolph, with your nose so bright,  
__Won't you guide my sleight tonight?_

_Then how reindeer loved him  
__As they shouted out with glee…"_

Yuffie and Reeve shouted, "_Yippee!"_

"_Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,  
__You'll go down in history!_"

Cloud shouted, "_Like Nibelheim_!"

It took both Barret and Hojo to restrain Sephiroth from Cloud's throat while the audience clapped.

Amazingly, the rest of the evening went smoothly as far as caroling went. The rest of the songs were religious pieces, like "Silent Night" and "The First Noel." All of the characters knew that if they muddled up those songs in front of me (a believer in Christ, yep) they _would _get a baton shoved down their throats, audience or not. Granted, this is not very Christian of me, but I was fairly stressed out at the time. You can't imagine my intense relief that in the end they all managed to come together and get a little Christmas spirit. Tifa performed a beautiful solo of "I Wonder as I Wander." And Reeve (yes, _Reeve_) sang "O Holy Night" in E-flat. After an hour of caroling, we were ready to wrap things up.

I was about to announce to the audience that it was time to go when Marlene tugged on my pant leg, "Kit Thespian, I want to sing a song!"

Marlene is cute as a button, as we all know. I could hardly resist those bright eyes. And she had been so patient during all the singing out in the cold weather, so I decided to consent. I replied, "All right, sweetie, what do you want to sing?"

Marlene whispered the song title in my ear. I thought I heard, "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus". That particular song is so cute when it's sung by a little child. So, naturally I nodded and announced to the rest of the choir that Marlene was going to have her own solo.

The problem was I did not hear the title correctly and by the time I realized my boo-boo, it was too late. Marlene got up in front of the audience and sang:

"_I saw Yuffie kissing Sephiroth,  
__Underneath the mistletoe last night.  
__They thought we were all asleep,  
__When I came to take a peep.  
__I got the biggest shock,  
__When I saw their lip lock._

_And I saw Yuffie tickle Sephiroth  
__And run her fingers through his hair so white.  
__Oh what a laugh it would have been  
__If Vincent had only seen  
__Yuffie kissing Sephiroth last night!"_

The audience, being none the wiser, applauded the adorable little girl's solo. But I and the choir stood in a stunned silence. You see, we all had a Christmas party at my house last night. At all the stares they were getting, Sephiroth loosened his scarf and Yuffie started biting her nails. They looked as guilty as Bonny and Clyde.

"You kissed my girl?" Though he spoke calmly, Vincent's face started turning purple (you know, _that_ kind of purple).

"Sephiroth!" Lucrecia fussed.

"As if it were any of _your_ business," Sephiroth hissed at Vincent, "All you do all day is moan about my mother. My _real_ one."

Vincent's frustration turned towards his would-be-if-not-for-a-certain-author's-nutty-preferences girlfriend. He pointed at Sephiroth with his clawed hand, "You kissed this megalomaniac?"

"Now, Vincent," I raised my hands to try to placate the situation, "there's no need to freak out and release Chaos…"

"I can make my own decisions, you gothy emo!" Yuffie snapped at Vincent, "And I am _not_ your girl!" She pointed towards the Author's note, "Look at the pairings!"

"I _am_ looking at the pairings, and they say that you, I, and Sephiroth are in a love triangle."

"But I favor Sephiroth! See the underlining?"

"Oh, yeah? Well, I also see that your albino boyfriend is also involved in a love triangle with him, Cloud, and Aerith!"

"WHAT?!?" Yuffie's voice raised about three octaves while she looked at the author's notes; she reeled on Sephiroth, "You home-wrecker!"

"But she favors Cloud, see?" Though Sephiroth could blot out the sky, bring down buildings, and beat the shoot out of Cloud until he makes the mistake of monologuing, he was not willing to argue with the huffy ninja.

"Oh…okay!" Yuffie grinned and glomped Sephiroth.

I, meanwhile, was shooing away the audience, "Show's over, folks! Head 'em up, move 'em out! Thanks for coming!"

"But there's no underline underneath the Cloud, me, and Aerith triangle," Tifa observed, "Why's that?"

"He can't make up his mind, apparently," Tseng answered.

"But usually in Kit's fics, he picks Tifa," Red XIII observed.

"Probably because Aerith is usually dead," added Rufus.

"You picked Tifa?" Aerith sniffled as she spoke to Cloud, "I thought we had something together, Cloud!"

"Oh, stop complaining!" Cloud said, "You're involved in a triangle with Yuffie and Sephiroth."

"And me and Cloud," Tseng spoke up, "You can't make up mind on that one."

"Gee, Aerith, you get around," commented Reeve, and Aerith promptly gave him a good whack on the head.

I decided to settle this once and for all. I pulled out a poster and marker (lovingly supplied by my good buddy Plot Device) and started writing, listening to the chaos ensuing in the background. The characters not involved in romantic entanglements (i.e. Barret, Reeve, Reno, Red XIII, Rufus, Hojo, and Lucrecia) stood aside and watched while whispering thanks to me for not putting them in love triangles. Hojo said that he was impressed that I didn't go for the Vincent/Lucrecia/Hojo triangle. I shrugged and said the only reason I put Vincent in a triangle was in a hope to see him get beat up by Sephiroth (and maybe Yuffie as well).

I finished my poster, called for everyone's attention, and held up the poster. They all came and read its contents:

**From now on, pairings for this fic are as follows:**

**Yuffie/Sephiroth  
****Cloud/Tifa  
****Aerith/Tseng  
****Rude/Elena  
****Hojo/Lucrecia  
****Cid/Shera**

"There," I announced, "You happy?"

"Yippee!" Yuffie leapt into Sephiroth's arms.

"Hey, who knew?" Tseng said, scratching his head while Aerith put her arm around his.

"Wait," Vincent examined the poster, "Where am I?"

"You're not on there," I said, matter-of-factly.

"I don't get a girl?"

"Nope."

"But I want a girl!"

"You can't have one," a mischievous smirk curled my lips, "unless…I gave you…"

Vincent realized my intent; his red eyes widened, "No, you wouldn't…"

"Yes, I would."

"You can't!"

"Unless I gave you…"

"No!"

"An…"

"Have mercy on me!"

"…OC."

"NO!"

"A Mary Sue just for _you_."

"I get the picture, Kit Thespian! I'll stay single, thanks!"

"Or I could unleash your adoring fangirls on you again."

Vincent gulped, "Now, that's worse than the Mary Sue."

"Is it really? You _could_ date Scarlet."

I was being sarcastic, of course. It never occurred to me for one moment that Vincent would spend more than a millisecond actually contemplating the idea. But he did; he spent several moments, actually. Scarlet, meanwhile, had overheard and became busy preening herself. Despite evidence to the contrary, she hadn't had a date in years. Considering the frigid temperature at Icicle Inn, she was dressed fairly decently. But she was still all in red. Once I realized that Vincent was thinking about taking my advice, I decided to speed things along.

"It's not _that_ improbable," I said, "I mean, _you_ like red. _She _likes red. _You_ used to work for Shinra. _She_ works for Shinra. And you both like guns." I winced at my quirky reasoning; I was thinking, "_Oh, please, please, please let this work._"

I know, my fellow fan fiction authors, that according to the general rules of FFVII fan fiction, this is very _wrong_. Generally I wouldn't dream of putting these two together. But hear me out. What else was I going to do? Pretty soon the entire evening would be a disaster if I didn't placate everyone soon.

To my profound relief, Vincent went over to Scarlet and offered his arm. I breathed a sigh and wrote **Vincent/Scarlet** on the poster. Putting the poster away, I rubbed my gloved hands together and said, "Now, who's up for some hot cocoa? I'm buying!"

On the way to the cocoa shop, all of the bachelors (i.e. Barret, Rufus, Red XIII, Reno, and Reeve) walked up to me and said that _they_ wouldn't mind some Mary Sue babes. I told them maybe they'd find a few underneath their Christmas trees come Christmas morning.

I was the last one to go into the shop. Before entering in, I looked up at the sky. There were no stars out, but the thin winter clouds surrounded the full moon, illuminating the sky like a silver cathedral. Only a winter sky could produce such a sight. I took a deep breath before hearing a brawl between Hojo and Vincent (unheeding of their ladies' pleas) from within the shop demanded my attention. I can't leave these two unattended for a darn second.

Instead of whacking them both on the head, like I wanted to, I decided to lead everyone in a chorus of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." Out of shame, they broke up their fight and joined in the singing. The rest of the night went without incident and I enjoyed my cocoa thoroughly.

Hope you enjoyed the account of my fateful night with the FF7 caroling choir. And Merry Christmas!


End file.
